I get to thinking about thinking and watch myself spiral down the drain.
I can almost step outside of my body. Spinning, splashing and reaching up, asking…begging to avoid another night of drowning.
You see someone said something to me today that I didn’t like. Like a broken record it played over and over. What did she mean? Why would she say that?
I can feel my own shoulders tighten. My jaw is in pain from the subconscious clenching. My own emotions of confusion, anger, and embarrassment have taken over me. My confusion makes me rethink my words, how I delivered them, and if I sounded intelligent or ignorant. My anger forces me down a path of questioning my employment and if I am actually fulfilled in my career path. If I am actually competent enough to be doing what I’m doing. My embarrassment begs me to question my outfit choice if I wore enough or too little makeup, and the dreaded spiral of why haven’t you gone to the gym in three months. The thoughts took the initial minimal feelings and maximized them.
Her potentially non-harmful words took less than 90 seconds to deliver. They may have been said in actual innocent intention, but I chose to overanalyze, in turn ruining my own day with my own thoughts. In some subconscious area of my brain, I must have felt threatened, and in turn, came to my own defense.
My “defense” of over-analyzing myself is what destroyed my day, not her words. Defending myself is opening up. It recognizes that I feel uncomfortable at the moment, but learning to recognize that by allowing others’ words and actions to influence how I feel rather than putting the focus on my own heart I am only weakening who I have been trying to become.
Defending myself is being softer on others. Protecting myself is the realization that I am a blip on another’s radar, not the satellite.
How we think, matters. How we talk to ourselves inside of our own minds day in and day out is invaluable. We can allow it to fuel us or set us on fire. It’s learning how to tread water before we end up drowning.