I woke up this morning next to a bottle of wine that I drank the night before.
I sat in my living room, alone, crying, wondering why I am the way I am. I got up, I went to my workout, I threw up in a bathroom, and then I cried some more. I can’t eat, I am so lost, and I don’t know what the F*ck I’m doing.
I wrote a mutual breakup post when I first started this process. I was in a pretty bad spot then, but this post will be the most gut-wrenching yet.
I had a guy that would give me the world. Anything I asked for, any help I needed, anything I wanted, he would do it with no questions asked. He is top 10, one of the nicest people I have ever met, and he has a heart of gold.
I was a tough challenge for him. I took things out on him that he didn’t deserve. I would argue with him over things that really shouldn’t have been a big deal, but I made them into one.
I never dealt with any of my issues from my last relationship. I let them stew and I made him pay the price for it. I jumped into it way too fast. I wasn’t ready yet, and I think in a way he knew that.
He made me feel so comfortable, I could be myself, and he loves me so much. Life should have been beyond great, but it wasn’t.
I knew I had to be honest with him. I hurt him so badly in the past and I never wanted him to feel that way again. I told him how I felt, and the worst part was how well he took it.
For someone to be so mature just made my heart break even more.
He is a great man. I will have to live with the consequences if I figure out later that he was the one for me, but he deserves a girl who’s ready and who has the answer to that question. I didn’t even give myself a chance to think about anything, or really work through my issues. I would regret every day that I would make him put up with that. I wish I could be what he needed me to be.
As I sat there with him I couldn’t control how devastated I was. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. He made jokes to cover it up, but I think he didn’t want me to leave either. He told me how amazing I was, gave me a hug, kissed my forehead, and told me he has always loved me and he always will. That was one of the saddest moments of my life. My stomach is in knots, my mind all over the place, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. He doesn’t need that. He deserves better than I could ever be.
I need to focus on what direction I want my life to go in. To be honest, maybe I even need to seek counseling to try to fix whatever is broken in me. There will never be a time that I won’t care about him. I’ll be jealous of the next girl and always looking out. I will always want the best for this man and I am beyond devastated that I was incapable of being that for him. I don’t know why life is so cruel, but it hurts.
I’m going to start by getting up now to go to work, and that is literally my first big step. Something so small, but something that is actually really difficult right now.
I don’t know where my life will take me. I don’t know how many bad life choices I will continue to make, but I need to figure that out for myself.
One day I will love myself.