It’s been two weeks since my life fell apart. Two weeks since I have had a full nights sleep. Two weeks of eating one meal every few days. Two weeks of lifeless dazes at the floor, walls, and at traffic lights. Two weeks of not wanting to wake up in the morning. Two weeks of hitting rock bottom.
This blog post will be the most personal and raw post I have ever written.
A lot of people are mad at me. What makes it so difficult is that it was self-inflicted. Those that are mad at me, are people that were very important to me in my life, which also makes it very difficult. I believe that blog posts that are personal are the most relatable and very powerful. That being said, even though I believe telling the story would be beneficial to those who might be going through something similar, it is not mentally beneficial to me. Therefor, I will be general.
We all make mistakes. We all make bad decisions. I made a big mistake and a very bad decision. For that, I am paying the consequences. Along with this, I have been beating myself up more than anyone else could. Those I have talked to about my situation have told me not to do this, but I can’t help it. I deserve it. I deserve to feel horrible and hate myself. I did something unforgivable, wrong, and unacceptable, and I can’t seem to find a way to cope with it.
How I am currently coping with this is very unhealthy. I go to work looking a mess, because I have no motivation to make myself look presentable. I can feel myself becoming weak and lightheaded because I have zero desire to eat. Ironically, I feel exhausted, but when I try to sleep, I can’t. When I lay in bed at night, a dark cloud of emotion, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and loneliness suffocates me. Some nights I lie there thinking about how much of this pain would be gone if I didn’t wake up in the morning. I have a love-hate relationship with bedtime. I am currently enrolled in graduate school, and start classes again on September 1. I have repeatedly thought about dropping out until I can get a handle on my life. The stress of my classes along with the stress of my life scares me and is already beginning to feel overwhelming. I have also thought about quitting Project Wednesday, because I don’t feel as though I can write about positivity when I am feeling so down and am in a mentally dark place.
Today I woke up after having a horrible dream. I didn’t get out of bed for a few hours. I laid there staring at the ceiling telling myself, “You deserve to feel this way.” Then I told myself I had to get up. I got out of bed, took a very long shower, and ate what I could. Then, right before I grabbed the doorknob to leave my house, the dark cloud of emotions fell over me. I froze. I stood there and stared at the door and began to cry uncontrollably. I so badly wanted to crawl under the covers and cry for the rest of the day. Instead, I left. I drove to a local bookstore in hopes of buying a new book to keep my mind busy for a few days. As I walked in, I felt alright. I browsed the aisles until the dark cloud fell over me again. I broke down crying in between the bookcases, and then hid from everyone in my car and sobbed. It seems as though I can’t escape this feeling. Again, I wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
As much as it hurt, I didn’t drive home. I drove to my favorite cafe, ordered a chai latte, and opened up my MacBook. That leads up to present time. I am here, at Adezzo, writing this blog. I have been here for over an hour and I really want to leave and go home and lay in bed, but I am making myself stay. It’s painful, but I have to do it. During this week I have done a lot of thinking about myself. I have reached out to people at work, family, and my therapist. Though it feels as though I have lost everything and everyone, I have not. I still have people who care about me and that are willing to help me get through this very hard and awful time in my life. Realizing this helped me come up with steps to get me back on my feet.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Do not do this alone. Find someone to talk to. I would not be as emotionally stable right now if I didn’t reach out to others. They will help you feel better. The pain of the situation always comes back and gives me a very nauseous feeling, but I am grateful for the people who have given me even an hour out of their day to help me not beat myself up. Taking my mind off of what is going on has helped so much, even if it’s only for 20 minutes. Give your mind a break.
Notice the positive.
This is hard and I am still having a difficult time doing this. It seems like there is absolutely no positives going on in my life right now, but it is not true. I have formed closer relationships with family, co-workers, and others in my life because they have been helping me get through this. Another positive is that I am going to grow from this, because I am looking deep within myself at who I am and how I will get through this. Lastly, realize what you actually have going for yourself. Though it feels as though my life is over, I need to remind myself that I got into graduate school and have been doing great so far, and that I am writing for a positive human development blog. Remind yourself of the good things.
Dig deep within yourself.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself. My therapist is a great outlet for this. She has helped me redirect my thinking, see other perspectives, and challenged me mentally. When you lose a lot in your life, it is easy to forget who you are and stop working on improving yourself. I am a prime example of this. I have been dragging my feet and have been a walking emotional disaster. Nothing about this is positive and it will not help me in the long run.
This one I have not managed to do. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be able to. At least that is how it feels right now. However, I really believe that when you forgive yourself of the things that you’ve done, that is the first step in being happy with yourself and in life. If I ever get to the point of forgiving myself, I will have learned a lot about who I am, and a lot about what I need to learn from this mistake.
Learn and grow.
Learning from mistakes really sucks. We have to own it and move forward, and that is very challenging. A lot of feelings of regret will emerge from within you, and, in my opinion, it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Having a re-do or re-wind button would be ideal and really useful right now, but that is not realistic. Learn from your mistakes. Self-growth is so very important. Learn to never make the same mistake again.
I pushed myself today. I wanted to sleep all day and cry in bed, but, instead, I pushed myself to leave my house and go to a bookstore and come to Adezzo. It may not seem like a very big step or very big victory, but it is. I chose to live life today, as painful as it was.
Like I said, I have hit rock bottom. I have never felt so empty and numb in my entire life. I am going to try and keep my head up and look toward the future. I have not and will not escape the dark cloud of emotions for awhile, but I have to keep trying to get back on my feet. I pray that this feeling goes away as soon as possible and that those I have hurt will forgive me. However, sometimes that does not happen and I know that. Either way, no matter what happens, I absolutely can not stay at rock bottom. I will work on myself and grow from this awful experience.
From rock bottom, the only way to go is up. That is what I intend to do.