I used to be a habitual liar.
Every day, without fail, I’d wake up and immediately start criticizing myself as my anxiety kicked into overdrive.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough.
No amount of validation could satiate my powerful need for love and my crippling inability to provide it. I deceived myself into believing that every kind word that was ever spoken towards me, every testament to my abilities, was a lie.
Instead of loving myself, I lied to myself.
Every harsh mistruth I believed lie ensconced in my mind, distorting reality, twisting the truth, smothering my sense of self-worth. The truth I perceived was built atop a mountain of lies, a beacon of toxically alluring deception in the wake of a river of uplifting, unfiltered honesty.
I convinced myself that I am undeserving of living my truth, the terrifying reality that indubitably, I am intelligent enough, capable enough, beautiful enough, always enough. In my warped perception of reality, I was unworthy of recognizing my capabilities, my strength, and my beauty, so I vehemently denied myself the love I deserve and continued to drown beneath the weight of my deception.
I found myself smothered by my delusion of unlovability. It suffocated me day by day, tore me apart bit by bit. My fear of loving myself in a world that may not love me back left me with the convincing appearance of cold invulnerability as, in the midst of my tears, I privately prayed to discover the solace of self-love.
Amid the thick fog of my self-deception, I could vaguely make out a glimmer of the truth. I chased that spark of unconditional self-love with a sense of reckless abandon, steadfastly determined to capture it and forever hold it close.
The light slowly grew more powerful, stripping my soul of self-imposed deception and filling my heart with truth. As I basked in the warmth of self-love, I resolved to never again habitually deprive myself of the love I deserve. At long last, I discovered I am always enough, despite the feverishly conniving taunts of my mind attempting to convince me otherwise.
I’ve stopped lying to myself and started loving myself. In the fervent pursuit of self-love, I will never again stray from the truth. I am worthy of my own love. I deserve to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am enough.
*Previously published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com.