An Open Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression, 

I have basked in the light of your misery since I was 17 years old.  I know that once you make us miserable, you won’t go away, no matter what we try to do.  

You remain in our minds like the world’s biggest sticky note.  You are about as unpredictable as the weather outside. You can ruin a rare moment of happiness within seconds.  You can strike at any moment like the world’s most venomous snake. When you strike, I suddenly feel as if I have been run over by the world’s biggest concrete truck. I feel worthless and helpless. The emptiness that surrounds me because of you, Depression, is painfully isolating.  

I feel you hide under my bed like a child’s worst nightmare. When you become tired of hiding, you strike. You slowly dig your dirty fingernails into my skin, making certain that they pierce every inch of my skin. You are the epitome of the devil on my shoulder, reminding me of all of my hurt and weaknesses. You trap me in your unforgiving maze, and no matter how many tricks I may have up my sleeve, I cannot escape from you.  

When I think that I’ve come close to my escape route, you pull me back into the dungeon of darkness. I beg and plead for you to let me go, but you put your dangerous, grimy hands over my mouth in an attempt to mask my cries for help 

You do not want to get caught, because you know that if you did, there would be some serious consequences.  You hold me up against the wall, bearing all of your weight against me. You then place duct tape on my mouth so no sound can escape, and you begin beating me up both physically and mentally.  

Each punch you hit me with knocks the wind out of my body even more, which makes me struggle to stand. I get down on my knees and pray for just a second that the hurt and the darkness stop in just enough time for me to take the slightest breath. I hope that you’ll give me a break so I can begin my journey back to light and happiness. 

Once you beat me to a pulp, you decide that you need a break because of the fatigue. I squirm my way out of the darkness, remove the tape from my mouth, and prepare to head for the exit. I simply cannot live this way anymore. I always rely on my abundance of strength for nearly everything, but everyone has their limits.  

I feel tired and weak by the time I am halfway done with my journey, but I can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I keep going and never give up. 

When I once again arrive on the bright side, I see a fantastic display of rainbow colors. The sight fills my body with joy, peace, and happiness. I am overwhelmed with courage because I know that I have once again overcome another bout of depression. I know that I am finally free of the chains that held me down in Hell. I know that I am always going to suffer depression, and a wave will always come and sweep me away, but in the end, I know that I will end up onshore again. 

As hard and troubling as depression can be, I am thankful that I am strong enough to endure its misery without feeling like I can’t survive. Depression plays some pretty severe mind games, but thankfully, I almost always have a solution to the corresponding head game.  

Depression can try as hard as it might to crush my spirit, but I am a diamond, and though it bends me, it can’t break me. 

Karla Culbertson

Karla is a 33 year old independent writer. She is wheelchair dependent due to Cerebral Palsy, chronic pain, and hip dysplasia, but she does not let that stop her from enjoying life. It is Karla's goal in life to inspire and uplift others. She loves writing positive blog posts that may have the potential of inspiring others and bettering their lives.

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