These last almost-two months have not been the easiest for me. In fact, I think they might be the hardest I’ve experienced this year.
They say grief and pain changes you, and I can say that it’s true. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this sad and broken, and as a matter of fact, I don’t know if I ever have felt grief this deep. I have had random crying spells, bursts of anger, irritability and yes, even depressive episodes.
The feelings of hopelessness lasted for three days straight before it all came out in anger. But this grief is an absolute different kind of pain, one I never, ever want to experience again. This time around, my depression made it so that I didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning to go to school. I didn’t want to deal with people, either, but I forced myself to. I could barely even hold myself together at work. When I finally did get out of bed and talked with the people around me, I cried. Once I got home though, I was fine.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be OK. I keep telling myself that better days will come, but it really doesn’t feel that way right now.
The only thing that’s helping me get through this trauma is the support and love from the people around me.
Losing my dad two months ago (which brought on my grief and trauma) has taught me many valuable lessons. I learned that life is too short, and I need to take care of myself. I not only lost a father, but a full-time caregiver, too. I’m not angry at the nurses and doctors, I know they tried every single thing to try and save him, I’m angry that things went this way, even though I know the nurses and doctors tried to save him, but I also know that these lessons will make me even stronger.
Life is shorter than any of us think. Hug your loved ones, and tell them how much you love them. Hold them tight, call them, text them, and spend time with them. Do whatever you need to do to keep them close to you because you never know how much time you will have with them.
I’m thankful to everyone who was there for me through my grief. Thank you for holding my hand, hugging me, and letting me cry on your shoulders. Thank you for telling me that my feelings are valid and that we’re all going to survive, especially in my dad’s final minutes on this earth. Thank you for checking up on me and letting me cry through all my emotions. You are helping me get through this tragedy and making me stronger. I’m so grateful for all of your support.
I know my dad would have been so proud of me for hanging on. Even though I am heartbroken, I know in my heart that he’s holding me through my grief and always watching over me.