Most people who know me are well aware of my childhood. By the age of 14, I learned how to take care of myself and my 10-year-old sister. All of the adults in my life were substance abusers and I had no choice but to figure it out for myself.
I’d say it was a sad sob story, but it turned me into someone that could never be destroyed, someone who worked hard, and someone who was admired. Things that would traumatize other people couldn’t touch me. I learned that I didn’t need anyone to survive, and no one was going to take that from me.
As I’m getting older my personality is changing from a bitter bitch to someone who cares too much. When I was young, my mother told me that tears were for the weak. You don’t cry, and if you did.. it better be in the shower or into your pillow.
Over the last few months, I have been breaking down barriers. It happened so fast and all of my emotions were just out there in the open for everyone to see. That should be great right? Wrong! I felt weak. I felt like every wall I built, everything I have done to protect myself was going out the window.
I immediately hit the panic button and I ran so fast it was like a blur. I am fully aware that I am thinking in an unhealthy way. I am aware of the person that I am striving to be, and that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want. I am aware that I am stopping myself from moving forward.
I am able to admit that I will push anything away that makes me feel emotionally uncomfortable. I have been going to some extreme measures to try to figure out why I act or think this way. I have tried to explain my way of thinking, but it has been difficult for people to understand me. I have put all of my thoughts and emotions out there, and each time I am criticized and never understood. So why say anything at all?!
I thought I was able to overcome this, but I am not ready right now. I know that this won’t work for me forever, but I can’t seem to fight it. I am so strong, but I am so weak.
I try to cut anything out that might make me feel weak, which in return makes me weak. I battle myself every day. Feeling so many emotions gives me anxiety. I destroy myself with no way out. I numb myself to everything and it is the safest feeling in the world.
I am able to envision the person I want to be. I have experienced the thoughts that make me happy, and that is my motivation to work on changing my entire mindset. Instead of putting a knife into myself every day trying to understand myself, I need to accept that I am who I am.
The positive that has come out of this entire situation, is that I am being honest with myself. I can be honest in saying that I don’t know where to start and that I am uncomfortable with change. This is the first time that I have been able to acknowledge that my actions are on purpose. Maybe this is where I start in order to change.
Overall, I make my own choices and I am responsible for myself and my actions. Taking responsibility doesn’t free me from my thoughts, but it shows me that I have the power to make changes when I’m ready.