I’ve written a couple times on faith. I think this one will be a little more difficult to write. I have to be honest with you, over the past six months or so…
I’ve lost a lot of faith.
A few days ago I decided to try to rebuild. I picked up a devotional I have centered around Mother Mary. It’s called “A Year with Mary.” It’s a year-long devotional.
One page a day.
As I picked it up and opened the book and started to read, I didn’t feel anything. Best way to describe it, I felt empty.
The weird thing is, I know God, Jesus, and Mother Mary exist. I know from personal experience prayer works. For anyone who may question how I can give you some examples.
I was at work one day and it had been a frustrating day. When a customer walks in and I read the back of his t-shirt that said: “Keep the Faith.” For some odd strange reason that brought a sense of peace to me and allowed to me breathe a sigh of relief. Letting me know He’s there and He’s with me.
There was a night where I was driving to work and I was just angry about something. Practically fuming, and driving at 75-80 miles per hour that angry really wasn’t the best combination. So, out loud, I said “God grant me peace. Give me your peace. Take this anger, this burden from me.” Just as those words came from my mouth it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I could physically feel it lift and leave not just me, but the car too.
Another moment was just this past Ash Wednesday. Still hurting from my breakup and the loss of friends, I didn’t want to go to church services. I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and forget the world. I got off work and began to drive home. A voice in my head started to speak to me and said “Trust me. Go to church.” With very little thought and action on my own part, I found myself pulling into the church parking lot and walking into the church.
Those were moments, just some of many more, I came to know that God does exist. However, lately, I don’t feel His presence like I normally do. Perhaps it could be because I haven’t been to church since my move back home and starting a new job with a schedule that sucks the life out of me. I also don’t hear His call anymore. I feel like I should go to the church down the street from my house and go into the chapel and scream at God asking “Why have you abounded me?!” “Where are you?!”
As I write this beside me are a few books. A copy of the New Testaments. A couple daily devotionals, one being “A Year with Mary”, and the Diary of St. Faustina. Beside this small stack of books is a small pouch holding one of my rosaries.
Frustrated with the loss of faith and the daunting task of rebuilding it I’ve all but given up. For now, it’s something that I’ve pushed to one of my ever growing back burners. Along with finding a hobby, get out of the house for more than just work, eat better, learn to meal prep, and the list can go on and on. Just like always, the big guy upstairs speaks to us in His time and in the most unusual ways.
Now that it’s closer to Christmas I’ve started to listen to some of my favorite Christmas music. One of which being “Hark! The Hard Angles Sing” Within the first few lines of the song you’ll hear “God and sinners reconcile.” This got me thinking.
Since last December it has been a tough year for me. If you’ve read my other posts you know why. I still find myself fighting the battle between what my heart screams for and what my mind knows. I’ve realized that the battle never really ends, just with time, it gets easier to fight.
In conversations with friends, they remind me that everything happens in God’s timing. It’s all in his hands. If it’s meant to be, it will be. My typical response is “Well, God really seems to be taking his time. He better hurry up.” In a way, I guess, I’ve turned away from His will. I’ve tried to take control of things that I have no control over. Never did, to begin with.
The Christmas season is truly a special time for everyone. Those of all faiths and those who may not practice a faith. It’s a time that we take to consider all the good we have in our lives. The friends, family, and love. We suddenly feel the need to reach out and reconnect with lost contacts. Call the cousins and catch up. Call the relatives that live across the country and talk for a couple hours. Perhaps we even seek out those who we have wronged. Repair broken relationships.
It’s time to rebuild my relationship with God. As difficult as it may be and as much as I don’t want to go through it, I need to. Faith is what has kept me together this past year. Even when faith itself stretched me to my limits.
It’s time to reconcile with God. Thank Him for getting me through the storms and never leading me down the wrong path, even though I fought kicking and screaming the whole way. I need to remind myself that even if my faith is a small as a mustard seed, as long as I have it, I can tell a mountain to move and it shall.
I know that it can be difficult. It is way easier to say no and walks away. Turn our backs and look another way. I titled this piece, “Man’s search for God.” Thinking I’d talk about how I lost faith and want to rebuild it. Because I lost sight of God and didn’t see Him in places I once did. The thing is I lost sight of Him because I expected Him to be placed. He is, just not where I was looking.
Recently I heard that “if we think the only purpose in life is to serve ourselves, then we have no purpose.” I was out to serve myself. I wasn’t out for those things to serve others. Searching for things I felt I was rightly due. Things that I felt I needed. The more I reached for them, like a parent taking candy out of reach of a toddler screaming its head off at the check out counter, God took it further away. Saying “No.”
It wasn’t because I didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t the right time. He’s buying it for me and at the right time, He’ll give it back.
The hardest thing a man will do, trust God completely.
The great thing about this time, New Years. Right around the corner. A fresh start for everyone. If like me, you’ve lost faith, join me in the search for God. If there is someone in your life who needs forgiveness. Maybe a little extra care and love. Show them God’s love and mercy. We all need it.
Man’s search for God begins in service to others.
God Bless and Positive Vibes.