What Happened When I Loved And Lost You

You never stole my heart – but I let you have it. I handed it to you, threw it at you, and trusted you to be the one to catch it and hang onto it. I believed that you would be the one to cherish it, to give me yours. I believed that you it would be an even trade, that your heart would be the one to fill in the emptiness where mine was.

I gave you my love, my happiness, everything I thought that you would need in order to keep you. I wanted to keep you happy – that’s all that I wanted. I drove myself into it. I worked as hard as I could in order to keep you content at the very least. I gave you my everything. All I wanted in return was your smile. I wanted your love, your smile, your happiness, your heart in return. I wanted to see you happy.

Your happiness was all that mattered to me for the longest time. It came to an end abruptly. When it came to an end I felt like the entire world came crashing to a sudden halt. I didn’t feel like there was anything left. It felt like everything was just… dead. I felt like everything was completely dead inside. I didn’t know what I would do without you.

I didn’t know what I would do without you in my life anymore. One moment you were there – everything was pure bliss. The next moment you’d moved onto something new. You had moved onto something better. There was something about it all that was so unfair. I couldn’t believe that you threw me away like I was nothing. After everything I gave to you, you were throwing me to the side for something better- something you believed was more beautiful, more worthwhile, more… worthy of you.

At the time I didn’t realize it. It was almost as if the world stopped spinning. I didn’t realize that I would be better off without you. My heart was broken – all of this was because of you. Or was it? It was because of me, because I allowed myself to become engrossed in someone that wasn’t worthy of me. At first I thought that you found someone better than me. Now I realize that you released me. 

Losing you was never a loss. At first it felt as though it was a loss, it felt as though I was more empty inside. I felt like I’d been gutted and that nothing was worth it. I now see it for what it is. It was a blessing. Letting you walk away was a blessing. Seeing you disappear, walk the other direction, it’s a blessing. It’s taken a while, it took longer than I thought it was, but without you – I have the opportunity to become a better version of myself.

I have the opportunity to become a better version of myself without you. You aren’t there weighing me down. You aren’t there to soak up my energy. Without you I can breathe. I can work on my own freedom, I can work on who I really am. I never have to pretend to be a different person just to appease you.

You leaving has left me in a position where I can be me. I can be 100 percent myself without any concern of whether it’ll embarrass you. I can show my interests, I can show myself and be myself without you judging me. I can be who I am without laughter – without judgment.

What happened when I loved you and I lost you? I found my true self. I found the self that I didn’t know was missing when you pranced into my life. I found out what I really am capable of. I could be happier – there’s no doubt about that, but you? You have nothing to do with my happiness anymore. I am finding myself more and more each day without you, and I completely and uninhibitedly love the woman that I’ve found without your anchor holding me down.


Sarah Dowell

I've always had a passion for writing. I'm an introvert and put things into words on a page better than verbally. I also love writing and reading.

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