2019, what’s going on?

In my life at least, the first few months of 2019 have been full of negativity. I’ve had two deaths in the family, which has created lots of changes the members of my family. It feels like bad things have not stopped happening.

I just need a break, well, my entire family does. The sad news just keeps piling up by the day, making me feel like I can’t breathe. The hard times are spiraling out of control, and I just hope life doesn’t get worse before it gets better.

I’m hoping that the rest of 2019 is better because I don’t know how much more tragedy I can take. I’m praying to God that some better news comes our way.

Death can really change you. In the last few months, it’s completely changed who I am as a person. It’s taught me what the grief and pain of losing someone you love really feels like. It’s shown me that I need to take better care of myself and that life is too short not to truly live.

It’s also taught me that watching the person you love the most die from afar is the worst feeling ever. I really didn’t want to be the one to tell the doctor, “I do not want to see my father suffer.” But in that moment, I spoke the truth.

Seeing everyone in the room cry (including the nurses) during my dad’s final hours on Earth was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever experienced. We gathered around his bed for his final rites and prayed, all crying together.  I have never in my life seen so many ICU nurses cry.

In fact, every nurse who took care of my dad in his final days was really upset. They killed themselves around the clock to try to save him, but it just wasn’t enough.

I appreciate the doctor who comforted me when I said that I didn’t want my dad to suffer.

I appreciate the unit nurses who let me hug them while I bawled like a baby as I listened to the monitors loudly beep outside my dad’s room.

I appreciate the nurse who kept an eye on me when I didn’t want to step foot in the room.

I appreciate the nurse who took the time to understand how much my grief over losing my father was killing me, ripping me apart, and breaking my heart into a million pieces.

I appreciate nurse who hugged my when I told her that I didn’t want to cry after I apologized for breaking down.

2019 has been a rough year, but it has shown me how good people can truly be. In my dad’s final moments, as I cried over how horrible my loss was, I remembered all the love this year has shown me. I hope the rest of this year is full of love, both for me and for my family.