I love feeling good. I love feeling really, really good. And, over the course of my lifetime, there have been a variety of ways that I have used to feel good. For most of my adult years, I have chosen some form of being altered as a way to feel good. I have chosen alcohol, marijuana, or food, as my most favorite substances to get me to where I thought would bring more fun, more feeling good sensations. And, I would often choose an overabundance of any and all of those ways to feel good, and end up dealing with feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, or physical discomfort. I related feeling even better with being self indulgent.
As I grow as a human, and a spiritual being, things about me are changing, including what feels really good to me. I have noticed over the last couple of months, that as much as I enjoy drinking wine, or having a pot brownie, that I have been desiring them less and less. And, there is two big reasons for this. First, is that I no longer at this point in my life, feel that I need to use something to numb out, or to take the edge off of my life. And, honestly, I have used anything from food to alcohol in the past to have life feel less intense, less painful. Or, more joyful. I was seeking ways to feel less hurt or more of a high.
The second reason that I have been desiring these things less frequently, is that I feel so great without them. I have been on the high of my life very recently. And, it is beyond anything that I could use or put into my body. It is coming from a deeper truth within me than I have ever been in touch with before. I have tapped into my inner self in such a loving way, that it catapults me into bliss almost instantaneously.
This has not always been a smooth road for me. I have been on it before; attempting to love myself from a genuine, authentic space. Loving myself completely and without judgment, as I am and with no expectation to change in order to give myself that love. But, in the past, I have often fallen short, because my love for myself was loaded with strings attached: I would love myself if I behaved, looked, or was a certain way. Different than who I actually was.
I have entered into a relationship with me, that is truthful and full of love. It has taken literally my entire life to get there. And, it is without barriers to feeling that love, or expectations for me to be or do something different. Of course, I have to tend to it like a beautiful garden, water and fertilize it regularly. Yet, when I do, it blooms over and over again. And, I don’t need to add anything special to it, like a drink, to feel what I feel.
I have entered the most truthful and free portion of my life yet. And I can barely wait to see what might come next.
Original article can be found here.