Sometimes I feel like there is so much weight on my chest that I can’t breathe. My head starts to pound and I feel like it will be impossible for me to get things done. There are so many stressors, favors, time frames, life events, and so on…
I have been known to be a care taker, a “hero of the family” so to speak, and the strong one. After you play this role for so long, people forget that you can be weak at times. They need you, your job needs you, and that is all that I seem to be focused on. “If I don’t do it, who will?” “If I don’t work all these hours, who will pay my bills?”
Now that our baby girl is arriving in February, I am afraid of who will fill my void, or if I will still be expected to continue with everything on top of being a new mom.
I stress about things on a daily basis. My job is to keep kids safe (that is enough stress alone). Will I need to work 75 hours this week? Do my family members need any help? How am I going to get everything ready for this baby? Am I going to flop financially? Will I be able to spend enough time with her? Are any of my family members on the verge of relapse?
I live in constant worry about topics that range from one end of the spectrum to the other. Maybe I am good at hiding it, or maybe no one cares, but I am tired. I am 33 weeks pregnant and freaking out about being a first time mom. I have a very sick niece who has been diagnosed with cancer, three family members in recovery, a baby on the way, two jobs, I play the role of a second mom to my youngest niece and nephew, and I am the financial rock of my household. I am the rock for everything.
Sometimes I think that I need to suck it up and I shouldn’t complain. Other days I want to take it out on someone and stay in bed all day. I like my life. I like my jobs and my friends. I love my family and that I get to see them all the time. I am not unhappy by any means, I’m just worn down. An old friend would always say “you’ll find a way to make it work, you always do.” That is how a lot of people would describe me.
I feel like it is okay to be overwhelmed, stressed, and worn down at times. I also feel like it is okay to express yourself to the people you love. You don’t need to pretend that you can handle everything all of the time. I feel like a lot of us pretend to be a super human. Sometimes the most important thing you need to worry about is yourself.