It’s been a few weeks, well we have all lost count since this quarantine started. Honestly, I am not sure what week we are in or care to keep count anymore really. It’s a self survival mode. We are all following the rules.. well you should be with masks on hand and sanitizer when we can’t immediately wash our hands.
It’s Sunday. I just finished mediating. I have only been into it a few weeks, and today I felt guilty in a moment of it. The thought crossed my mind that I am thankful. I am thankful that my daily life has been put in this process of being placed in a time out. If I’m being honest, I have always been a go-getter. Get up and go, something to do, somewhere to be. Relaxing or to “chill” as they say just wasn’t my way. EVER. I passed some of this same busy-ness on to my Chlo, she’s just shy of 19. This unfortunate, devastating virus that has struck our country has changed our ways of living. I at moments have been scared, confused, angry and have had that feeling of that lump in my throat right before I’m about to cry. Today my emotion gave me guilt. Guilty because I am thankful for having to stop.
I just turned 43. Looking in the mirror lately and the woman staring back at me has said, “Hello this is you, your face with 43 years on it.” Be kind. Say nice things. I have recently learned for every one thought that is negative, say three positive things. My mind has been busy. Actually when is my mind not busy. I just found out a month or so ago about health and family facts that I NEVER knew which greatly affect me. What do I do with that? I am daily processing that alone which is heavy. I just took a deep breath sharing that even. I am grieving some things in my life that I am aware I have been suppressing and not dealing with. That is healing- slowly. I have some gut feelings in my heart daily that I need to process, learned that I kept pushing or trying to ignore.
With all that clustered in my souls pockets, I am confident in that my daily routine has changed and it has truly become healthier. I am more aware. I pause, I am still more before I react. I am appreciating things I did not care to notice or pay any mind to previously. In front of my home there is a creek, wooden bridge and a row of magical golden forsythia bushes. I go there to the bridge if I need to step away, that is something I NEVER did before. I am human, and I do need to step away from my home scene. Although I’ve learned too that I do not like working from home so much, my set up office is in my bedroom and with the window behind me.. I appreciate the sunshine that sometimes sprinkles across my desk like this morning or even the sound of rain on the not so bright days. A reminder to enjoy the simplicities.
Fact – I was just always so busy.
Are you so busy being, doing that you never took a second, a real moment for yourself? Are you busy even trying to take a second for yourself? Life is the demands of hours, to do lists, punctuality and just organized chaos. The mindset of, I have this, this, this AND if I can fit this in today too.
This time out has shown me,
Hey- stop.
No.. really just stop and take a breath.
Have some self moments, self care time for yourself. Just exist today.
