I’m a bit mad. Please read on.
My favorite verse back in the day, back in a different chapter of myself was, “Be Still and Know that I am God.” Sigh, it takes me to just turning 18, and being on the kitchen floor at my Mom’s. Somewhere along that month of April, 1995 and I had just gotten terrible news. A very dear person who was my youth pastor and friend had died in an accidental fall. Steve was his name, and instead of doing his normal regular church routine on a Sunday, he decided to go spend time alone to reflect on life. He was found, fell off a cliff to his death.
“Be Still and Know,” the words I am thinking I found comfort in. That’s not so much my favorite phrase, verse, or focus in this day, chapter of myself and being twenty three years later. I feel lost, shook, broken, empty, and as if I’m drowning. I’m keeping my head above water for my family. Can’t quit, won’t quit, grasping anything to stay above water. My nose goes under often and I gasp for air. Today there were hidden tears. I made sure no one saw them.
Chapters are changing quick. I feel in a photo of me, I wouldn’t recognize myself. I’m watching a movie of myself and I hate it. Planning in the now, and life next year. My daughter will be going to college. I’ve completely not enjoyed this year or the past year. I’ve blinked and missed, and thought, was I dreaming? Can we do it again? Take two please!
I can be the best for the person next to me. I can lift and encourage the world, and I can be sunshine in someone’s day. The past fifteen months have felt like a spiral down hill.
I’m a fan of Alice in Wonderland. She falls down a rabbit hole and goes on this great adventure following a rabbit who is always late. Her journey takes her to the Mad Hatter, Queen of Hearts, and in the newest version she defeats a dragon. I need to conquer this dragon. My dragon.
Like Alice, this is one hell of an adventure and I feel like I’m late. I’m late for a very important date and I need to show up and be in the now. Not where I think I should be or who I think I should be. Not what others said I should be either, for that matter.
I am a girl of adventure. I’ve said just this week to a friend, “I’m frustrated and it’s the feels of how life does not go as you’ve planned.” It’s been FIFTEEN MONTHS of a bunch of UNPLANNED. How controlling I still want to be when it’s completely out of my hands. That sentence makes me like the Queen of Hearts. Her character, bitter and controlling.
I’m ready for a new adventure, one that makes sense. Right now I’m grabbing pieces of my thoughts, trying to make sense of it for you here. The truth is, this version of Amy now, can’t be still.
My reflection, I’m as lost as Alice and Mad like the Hatter. I’m definitely as angry as the Queen and I’m in search to kill the dragon. In the end I am certain my adventure is going to be something incredible to share.