I have been avoiding life for the last couple of months.
I have been hiding from being ashamed. I have been hiding from accepting my own actions, and I have been hiding from taking responsibility. I didn’t crawl into a corner and get down into the fetal position. Though I have been posting happy pictures and using humor as my cover-up. That’s the magical part about social media.
This is the way I have always been; only this time it felt different. This time I had anxiety. I was so upset with myself that every thought I had was negative. My thoughts were racing and all over the place.
I kept trying to explain my feelings until one day, someone told me that everything I said was a bunch of bullshit. They told me that if I really felt that way, then my actions would show that. I can’t argue that. That makes perfect sense. What didn’t make perfect sense, was that everything I said was true, but I knew my actions would not support what I was saying.
After a couple of months of thinking this would go away, I honestly did not know what to do. I dug myself into a hole. I dug it so fast and so deep that I felt defeated and I didn’t see any way out.
One day I woke up and I felt so alone. Even with someone right beside me, with people surrounding me at work, with making my schedule as busy as I could.
I was alone.
The one person I wanted to talk to basically told me to go F myself and I deserved it, but I panicked. I created that, but why? It was driving me crazy.
That day, I called to schedule my first therapy appointment. I showed up and I was sweating bullets. “What if this guy thinks I’m crazy? What if I don’t like this? What if this does not help me? My anxiety was through the roof, but I knew I couldn’t walk out.
He calls me in and my shirt is soaked. We start talking and I just went on and on and on. I’m barely taking a breath, I don’t even know if what I’m saying is answering his questions, my answers are jumping all over the place, and I honestly just felt like a complete crazy asshole, who was very embarrassed by everything I just said. It was like word vomit that I have held in for so long. I was trying to get my life out in 60 minutes, have this guy tell me what I needed to do, the light bulb would click, I would do what he said, and I would be the happiest in all the land. Just kidding, it doesn’t work that way.
It was unbelievably difficult to have someone random call me out on my bullshit. It was very difficult to hear someone’s first opinion of me as a person. It was very hard to hear that these results won’ t come as fast as I want them to because I’m not ready to make the changes that I need to.
At the end, he looked at me and said he would like for me to come back. I sat there in silence for the first time the entire session. He asked me that scary question. “Do you want to come back?” My answer was yes.
I drove home still sweating and in tears. The overwhelming anxiety and what I learned about myself in one hour was a lot to handle. It was a major mind overload and I was so uncomfortable with myself.
I am not a person to ask for help. I think this will be a lot more difficult than I thought, but if I want to change my life for good, then I need to work on long-lasting results. I am obviously very bad at handling things myself.
Don’t be afraid to ask for or seek out help for anything. It’s okay to admit that you can’t figure something out. It’s okay to say that you want to be a better person. Don’t be ashamed of trying to create a better life for yourself. We all have our own battles, but are you fighting? I finally am.