The past 3 years of my life have been some of the best, arguably, given the experiences, people I’ve met, and things I’ve accomplished in that span that I never imagined myself doing before.
Yet these past 3 years have easily been the toughest of my life, because I’ve watched myself become someone I’m not. Someone I swore I wouldn’t be. During this span I became much more self-centered, much more private, I traded my passions for gratifications, I abandoned certain dreams because I gave in to a spiral of silence. I dealt with addiction, something I had never dealt with in my life before. I never imagined how difficult it would be.
And yet it takes me back to a lyric I heard years ago, from Bethany Dillon’s song Imagination:
I’m slowly changing and becoming what I wanted to stop
Isn’t that just like a finite mind?
The poetry of this line is that it’s the most human thing anyone can ever relate to. That because our lives are often so finite, so short, so unpredictable, that it often becomes ironic and feigned.
And sometimes, we become the people we once spoke against. We change and adapt, and sometimes it’s not always for the better. But sometimes it is, you can look at examples like Jerry Givens, Floyd Cochran, or Michael Vick as examples of those who were able to change for the better.
But when you change for the worst and you worry about others think of you, knowing who you once were and seeing who you are now, it can be discouraging.
However, because of who you once were, you know everything you were capable of, everything you are still capable of, and sometimes that can be the single most significant thing to keep in mind. And there are always things about you that will never change, that will always be constant in your life without you even realizing it sometimes.
For those who are worried that they may have lived past their primes, that they’ve peaked too soon, that the best of their lives are behind them, you never really know for sure.
The very reason that you may have changed to start with was because life is unpredictable, but knowing that should tell you that you still don’t know what the future holds, and that how you are now may not be who you are the rest of your life. So why not work with that? And build yourself up to be the person you’ve wanted to be? The change you wanted to see? The alter-ego you’ve kept inside?
So maybe you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be, still finding yourself, and seeing life from both sides.