I feel that a lot of people have horrible breakups and end up hating each other. That is what makes the break up easy. That is what gives you the fire to keep going. You feed off of that hate to comfort yourself. But what happens when the break up is forced?
I recently separated from my ex after 10 years. I always knew he was not big on marriage or kids. As a female I thought “If he loves me enough, he will want what I do”. This was one of the most painful lessons I have ever learned.
He had tried to talk himself into wanting kids. He would say things like “Maybe we will name our kids so and so”. I also thought eventually he would propose. Within the last year I accidentally became pregnant. I could not be more excited. I had a miscarriage before I had the chance to tell him. I was absolutely devastated. When I finally found the strength to let him know what was happening, he was completely unattached and was not supportive. That was when I knew.
Months later the discussion had finally resurfaced and he admitted he never wanted kids and did not care to get married. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I still believe he has no idea how those words took the breath right out of me. The life that I envisioned was now a black future of emptiness.
I knew what I had to do. I began searching for houses. In the process, living together became painful. We laughed, loved, and argued. Although I loved him, I was unable to see my future the way he wanted me to. So I bought a house. We wanted to remain friends. We did the best that we could, but he made it seem so easy to dismiss me. After weeks of not sleeping, eating, and feeling so empty. I cracked. I knew I could not be his friend because I could not stand wondering if he said was with someone else.
I wish that I could hate him. I wish that I could make this less painful. Most of all, I wish that he wanted what I did. I wish he wanted to be with me enough to ask me to marry him. I wish he dreamed about being with me for the rest of his life.
I had to make a decision that was right for me. He stood firm on his choice. I was left with two options. I could stay and secretly hope that he would cave and change his mind, or I could take control and leave to start a new journey. I have difficulty accepting that I cannot control others behaviors and thoughts. This has been something that I have struggled with my entire life. I had to learn that I can only change and control my own thoughts and actions. I took control of my life and traveled down a path that would lead me to my future goals, rather than feel imprisoned in a life I knew I didn’t want. I could not control our future as a couple, but I could control a future for myself.
Through all this pain, I pick one thing to focus on each day that will make me happy. This is what barely gets me through. I know there is someone out there for me that can be everything I need him to be.
To all of those ladies out there who are going through a struggle.. Just keep going. Don’t give up because one day, your time will come. And you will know what being happy feels like. One day it will be our day. Until then, do things to make yourself happy!