Guys, we all know the hardest thing for us to do is to admit when we hurt. Especially when it comes to rejection and heartbreak. But it’s something we are gonna face whether we want to or not.
Heartbreak. No one wants to go through it, but we can’t live a life without it. It hurts, just not emotionally but physically too. I now know this from experience. I’ve been through some heartbreak. Not gonna lie it was quite difficult. In talking with a good friend, who’s been through similar things, he shared an episode of South Park with me. Before you say “Really? South Park?” Let me explain. In the episode two characters experience heartbreak. One just loses himself throughout the episode and eventually joins the Goth Kids at school and per the stereotype they all write about how painful life is. At the end of the episode the two characters run into each other, the Goth Kids invite the second to join them and write about how painful life is. The character said something profound.
“Well yeah, and I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.” ~Butters
Ever since watching that episode I’ve been thinking about the phrase “beautiful sadness” and what it means. I think it means that what we feel and why it hurts so much is because what we had before was good. We wanted it. We enjoyed being in that relationship and we were giving everything we had.
Another friend eventually took me on a lengthy car ride around town that included french fries and a talk with me about my recent and past experience with rejection. I had been dealing with a breakup and a group of friends who abandoned me.
During this car ride she did most of the talking and I listened staring out the window taking in what she said and responded with what I felt. It was one of those talks that the friend comes down with truth that you need to hear. (Her bark is worst then her bite.) She expressed how she was tired of hearing that I wasn’t doing well and my complaining about things.
I had felt like there were things wrong with me. But that was far from the truth. She told me that people had pushed me away because they saw something in me that they were missing. So to feel better about about themselves they pushed me away.
While dealing with all of this I continuously questioned my own self. Why would they leave me? Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something? I lost sight of something far more important, what I thought of myself.
‘This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.’’ ~Shakespeare
I felt broken and lost. It had even felt as though God himself had left me. As we know, that’s never true. God is always there and waiting for us to return to him.
I found myself, sometimes still, asking and wondering why am I not good enough. I constantly have to remind myself, that I am good enough. It’s a constant struggle of self-confidence. It begins with being good enough for myself.
This is hard for me to say, I was 29 when I had my first date. The date lead to my first relationship. Five months in, I was head over heals in love with the girl. I knew in the pit of my stomach that I wanted more than to just date her. I wanted a future. Only to my dismay, it wouldn’t go further. After five moths of dating, she ended the relationship.
At first I was understanding and was generally okay with it. I was upset that my first love was coming to an end. Still, I told people that I was “ok” with it. However just a couple months after I found myself in shattered pieces and completely broken. Eventually I found myself in counseling for not only the breakup but for other relationships that had suddenly collapsed around me. I felt completely unwanted. The first girl to ever want to date me left me and people who were supposed to be friends just didn’t care or attempt to show they did.
As I approach eight months since the break up, I still find myself struggling from time to time. I still have those days where I feel worthless, unwanted, and unloved. Of course thats not true.
When I submitted to write for Project Wednesday I also signed up for the weekly email. The second email I got was titled “Are you Okay” something inside myself said that this email was for me. I opened it and started to read, which wasn’t such a great idea. I was at work and began to well up with tears. As quietly as I could I took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“This email is for you. This email is for the individual who lives through their own hardships.’’ ~Project Wednesday “Are you Okay?” HKP
Those who are close to me would tell you that I’m harder on myself than anyone else could be. I’m sure it’s the same for most of us. I can go on and on, beating myself up over events that happen to me and when I feel like I’m losing control. Or when I’m not doing as well as I know I can and should be.
“Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.” Project Wednesday “Are you Okay?” HKP
I’d beat myself up the most when I wasn’t where I thought I should be with everything or when I found myself constantly falling down. The words “Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can” are comforting. You and I are after all just human. In no shape or form are we perfect. We are always doing the best we can with what we have.
I know how difficult it can be to feel unwanted an unloved. It doesn’t just hurt emotionally, it hurts physically. To the point where you can’t even cry because you are so drained from the pain. I know how hard it is to constantly remind yourself that you are loved.
The best advice I can give you is be patient. When you feel like its to much take a deep breath and take it one piece at a time. Even when it feels empty, pray. Find something that redirects your mind and energy to something more positive. Look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a smile. Not a photo smile, but a “hey good lookin’! How you doin’?” smile. Trust me, it sounds awkward, it works.
Most of all, if you start to feel overwhelmed, reach out for help. Talk to someone. I assure you, you are not weak, you are strong, courageous, wonderful, beautiful, smart, and you will come out of this.
God bless you.