Ask For Help

I have been avoiding life for the last couple of months.

I have been hiding from being ashamed. I have been hiding from accepting my own actions, and I have been hiding from taking responsibility. I didn’t crawl into a corner and get down into the fetal position. Though I have been posting happy pictures and using humor as my cover-up. That’s the magical part about social media.

This is the way I have always been; only this time it felt different. This time I had anxiety. I was so upset with myself that every thought I had was negative. My thoughts were racing and all over the place.

I kept trying to explain my feelings until one day, someone told me that everything I said was a bunch of bullshit. They told me that if I really felt that way, then my actions would show that. I can’t argue that. That makes perfect sense. What didn’t make perfect sense, was that everything I said was true, but I knew my actions would not support what I was saying.

After a couple of months of thinking this would go away, I honestly did not know what to do. I dug myself into a hole. I dug it so fast and so deep that I felt defeated and I didn’t see any way out.

One day I woke up and I felt so alone. Even with someone right beside me, with people surrounding me at work, with making my schedule as busy as I could.

I was alone.

The one person I wanted to talk to basically told me to go F myself and I deserved it, but I panicked. I created that, but why? It was driving me crazy.

That day, I called to schedule my first therapy appointment. I showed up and I was sweating bullets. “What if this guy thinks I’m crazy? What if I don’t like this? What if this does not help me? My anxiety was through the roof, but I knew I couldn’t walk out.

He calls me in and my shirt is soaked. We start talking and I just went on and on and on. I’m barely taking a breath, I don’t even know if what I’m saying is answering his questions, my answers are jumping all over the place, and I honestly just felt like a complete crazy asshole, who was very embarrassed by everything I just said. It was like word vomit that I have held in for so long. I was trying to get my life out in 60 minutes, have this guy tell me what I needed to do, the light bulb would click, I would do what he said, and I would be the happiest in all the land. Just kidding, it doesn’t work that way.

It was unbelievably difficult to have someone random call me out on my bullshit. It was very difficult to hear someone’s first opinion of me as a person. It was very hard to hear that these results won’ t come as fast as I want them to because I’m not ready to make the changes that I need to.

At the end, he looked at me and said he would like for me to come back. I sat there in silence for the first time the entire session. He asked me that scary question. “Do you want to come back?” My answer was yes.

I drove home still sweating and in tears. The overwhelming anxiety and what I learned about myself in one hour was a lot to handle. It was a major mind overload and I was so uncomfortable with myself.

I am not a person to ask for help. I think this will be a lot more difficult than I thought, but if I want to change my life for good, then I need to work on long-lasting results. I am obviously very bad at handling things myself.

Don’t be afraid to ask for or seek out help for anything. It’s okay to admit that you can’t figure something out. It’s okay to say that you want to be a better person. Don’t be ashamed of trying to create a better life for yourself. We all have our own battles, but are you fighting? I finally am.






Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

The Unknown

Here I sit, at 29 years old ( I know.. I know.. I’m still young), wondering why I can’t figure anything out in life. I don’t think I’m alone. I’m starting to think that this may be an impossible task. How can you ever have life figured out? How can you ever have yourself figured out? Maybe the answer is… that you can’t!

These are questions I am always asking myself. People are changing every day. Most of the time you are changing without even noticing. All of a sudden, a year has flown by and you are nothing like you were the year before. You could have grown for the better, or, maybe you’re not doing so great. Who cares! Your situation will never stay the same.

I am not one to trust any type of relationship to last forever without pain, let downs, boredom, or drifting apart. This can be romantic relationships,  friendships, family, etc…I have grown apart from people I thought I could not live without.

I’ve been hurt by every single person I have ever trusted.

Maybe that is just life.

We are all human.

I do it to other people too. Are people supposed to be like this? Because it seems like we all are the same in a sense. Some people try to be a saint while others enjoy being the devil. Either way, we all lie, don’t say things that we should, say things that we shouldn’t, are confused, think we know what we want, and we all strive to be our version of happy.

You build your own life and start moving in a different direction. You get married and settle down, you lose your friends and make new ones, you raise your kids and lose focus of everyone else on the planet. Most people get divorced and start over again. Changing all over again, over and over. These changes within you, and within the people around you are constant. Every day you go on with your life without noticing how you are changing into someone else.

Some people learn from their experiences and become more humble, while others are terrified of the world and become bitter. Everyone takes a different path. You travel your path with expectations that you can never fully control. You have no idea what your life will bring.

I always wondered what my “purpose” is going to be. Maybe it is to help others and work my life away. Maybe it’s to raise a family. Maybe…it’s nothing at all. That is the scariest, yet the most beautiful part of life. We don’t know anything…and that’s okay.

Why do we feel the need to know what our future holds? Why can’t we just let things fall into place instead of trying to control everything? I am exhausted from trying to control my entire world.

I do not believe that everyone has a soul mate. I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I do not believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason. I believe that things just happen, and we are just people who make a bunch of mistakes. We are people who never stay the same.

Love will come and love will go. Friendships will be made and destroyed. Happiness will come and so will pain. Life can be simple; it’s only complicated because we make it that way.

Maybe I should just go with the flow and see what happens. I try to manipulate my life and it never works out. It’s like I have control, but I don’t. I don’t think a person can be truly happy while trying to control every aspect of their life.

I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know who I will be in the next year, 5 years, or 10 years. I do know I won’t be the person writing this today. Who knows if I’ll be married, single, kids, no kids, working my life away, jobless. It’s all unknown. And I’m okay with that. Accepting the unknown might just be my key to happiness.


Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

Accept Yourself For Who You Are

Most people who know me are well aware of my childhood. By the age of 14, I learned how to take care of myself and my 10-year-old sister. All of the adults in my life were substance abusers and I had no choice but to figure it out for myself.

I’d say it was a sad sob story, but it turned me into someone that could never be destroyed, someone who worked hard, and someone who was admired. Things that would traumatize other people couldn’t touch me. I learned that I didn’t need anyone to survive, and no one was going to take that from me.

As I’m getting older my personality is changing from a bitter bitch to someone who cares too much. When I was young, my mother told me that tears were for the weak. You don’t cry, and if you did.. it better be in the shower or into your pillow.

Over the last few months, I have been breaking down barriers. It happened so fast and all of my emotions were just out there in the open for everyone to see. That should be great right? Wrong! I felt weak. I felt like every wall I built, everything I have done to protect myself was going out the window.

I immediately hit the panic button and I ran so fast it was like a blur. I am fully aware that I am thinking in an unhealthy way. I am aware of the person that I am striving to be, and that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want. I am aware that I am stopping myself from moving forward.

I am able to admit that I will push anything away that makes me feel emotionally uncomfortable. I have been going to some extreme measures to try to figure out why I act or think this way. I have tried to explain my way of thinking, but it has been difficult for people to understand me. I have put all of my thoughts and emotions out there, and each time I am criticized and never understood. So why say anything at all?!

I thought I was able to overcome this, but I am not ready right now. I know that this won’t work for me forever, but I can’t seem to fight it. I am so strong, but I am so weak.

I try to cut anything out that might make me feel weak, which in return makes me weak. I battle myself every day. Feeling so many emotions gives me anxiety. I destroy myself with no way out. I numb myself to everything and it is the safest feeling in the world.

I am able to envision the person I want to be. I have experienced the thoughts that make me happy, and that is my motivation to work on changing my entire mindset. Instead of putting a knife into myself every day trying to understand myself, I need to accept that I am who I am.

The positive that has come out of this entire situation, is that I am being honest with myself. I can be honest in saying that I don’t know where to start and that I am uncomfortable with change. This is the first time that I have been able to acknowledge that my actions are on purpose. Maybe this is where I start in order to change.

Overall, I make my own choices and I am responsible for myself and my actions. Taking responsibility doesn’t free me from my thoughts, but it shows me that I have the power to make changes when I’m ready.





Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

How can I ever love myself

I woke up this morning next to a bottle of wine that I drank the night before.

I sat in my living room, alone, crying, wondering why I am the way I am. I got up, I went to my workout, I threw up in a bathroom, and then I cried some more. I can’t eat, I am so lost, and I don’t know what the F*ck I’m doing.

I wrote a mutual breakup post when I first started this process. I was in a pretty bad spot then, but this post will be the most gut-wrenching yet.

I had a guy that would give me the world. Anything I asked for, any help I needed, anything I wanted, he would do it with no questions asked. He is top 10, one of the nicest people I have ever met, and he has a heart of gold.

I was a tough challenge for him. I took things out on him that he didn’t deserve. I would argue with him over things that really shouldn’t have been a big deal, but I made them into one.

I never dealt with any of my issues from my last relationship. I let them stew and I made him pay the price for it. I jumped into it way too fast. I wasn’t ready yet, and I think in a way he knew that.

He made me feel so comfortable, I could be myself, and he loves me so much. Life should have been beyond great, but it wasn’t.

I knew I had to be honest with him. I hurt him so badly in the past and I never wanted him to feel that way again. I told him how I felt, and the worst part was how well he took it.

For someone to be so mature just made my heart break even more.

He is a great man. I will have to live with the consequences if I figure out later that he was the one for me, but he deserves a girl who’s ready and who has the answer to that question. I didn’t even give myself a chance to think about anything, or really work through my issues. I would regret every day that I would make him put up with that. I wish I could be what he needed me to be.

As I sat there with him I couldn’t control how devastated I was. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. He made jokes to cover it up, but I think he didn’t want me to leave either. He told me how amazing I was, gave me a hug, kissed my forehead, and told me he has always loved me and he always will. That was one of the saddest moments of my life. My stomach is in knots, my mind all over the place, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. He doesn’t need that. He deserves better than I could ever be.

I need to focus on what direction I want my life to go in. To be honest, maybe I even need to seek counseling to try to fix whatever is broken in me. There will never be a time that I won’t care about him. I’ll be jealous of the next girl and always looking out. I will always want the best for this man and I am beyond devastated that I was incapable of being that for him. I don’t know why life is so cruel, but it hurts.

I’m going to start by getting up now to go to work, and that is literally my first big step. Something so small, but something that is actually really difficult right now.

I don’t know where my life will take me. I don’t know how many bad life choices I will continue to make, but I need to figure that out for myself.

One day I will love myself.






Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

Make time for yourself.

I think I wrote 4 or 5 blogs this month. I kept deleting them because my mind has been going non stop. I couldn’t complete a post because I couldn’t think it through. I didn’t realize that my main stuggle was right in front of my face.

I don’t make time for myself.

My life is worked around the schedule of my jobs, the schedule of my work outs, the schedule of my boyfriend’s schedule, the schedule of other people in general. Everything is about: what time I need to be somewhere, how long I have before I need to go somewhere else, or what I need to try to get done for the day. I am always running out of time. I am constantly in a rush and it does not stop.

I have a ton of goals. I have so much work to do in order to keep achieving each goal. I continue to make a choice to work 65-75 hours a week. I make that choice to fill all of my spare time (sometimes double booking myself) with my boyfriend, my family, or in a gym. Today it finally clicked: I need to calm down.

The last few weeks have been filled with anxiety for me. It cause my mood and motivation to change. I felt like I wanted to scream. My mind and body just wanted to shut down everyday.

I am sitting here on my couch, in pajamas, in silence, and it has been the most relaxing moment in my entire week. I have laundry to do, I have food to make, I have cleaning to do, I should have worked on and so on. There are so many things I need to do and it never stops.

I think I have come to the conclusion that what I need to do above anything on that list is what I am doing right now. I need to let my mind and body take a break before heading back into the next crazy week. I need to be able to tell when I have had enough. I need to remember that no matter what is on that list, it will mean nothing if I am unhappy. No matter how crazy my life gets, I need to make time for myself.


Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.