How can I ever love myself

I woke up this morning next to a bottle of wine that I drank the night before.

I sat in my living room, alone, crying, wondering why I am the way I am. I got up, I went to my workout, I threw up in a bathroom, and then I cried some more. I can’t eat, I am so lost, and I don’t know what the F*ck I’m doing.

I wrote a mutual breakup post when I first started this process. I was in a pretty bad spot then, but this post will be the most gut-wrenching yet.

I had a guy that would give me the world. Anything I asked for, any help I needed, anything I wanted, he would do it with no questions asked. He is top 10, one of the nicest people I have ever met, and he has a heart of gold.

I was a tough challenge for him. I took things out on him that he didn’t deserve. I would argue with him over things that really shouldn’t have been a big deal, but I made them into one.

I never dealt with any of my issues from my last relationship. I let them stew and I made him pay the price for it. I jumped into it way too fast. I wasn’t ready yet, and I think in a way he knew that.

He made me feel so comfortable, I could be myself, and he loves me so much. Life should have been beyond great, but it wasn’t.

I knew I had to be honest with him. I hurt him so badly in the past and I never wanted him to feel that way again. I told him how I felt, and the worst part was how well he took it.

For someone to be so mature just made my heart break even more.

He is a great man. I will have to live with the consequences if I figure out later that he was the one for me, but he deserves a girl who’s ready and who has the answer to that question. I didn’t even give myself a chance to think about anything, or really work through my issues. I would regret every day that I would make him put up with that. I wish I could be what he needed me to be.

As I sat there with him I couldn’t control how devastated I was. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. He made jokes to cover it up, but I think he didn’t want me to leave either. He told me how amazing I was, gave me a hug, kissed my forehead, and told me he has always loved me and he always will. That was one of the saddest moments of my life. My stomach is in knots, my mind all over the place, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. He doesn’t need that. He deserves better than I could ever be.

I need to focus on what direction I want my life to go in. To be honest, maybe I even need to seek counseling to try to fix whatever is broken in me. There will never be a time that I won’t care about him. I’ll be jealous of the next girl and always looking out. I will always want the best for this man and I am beyond devastated that I was incapable of being that for him. I don’t know why life is so cruel, but it hurts.

I’m going to start by getting up now to go to work, and that is literally my first big step. Something so small, but something that is actually really difficult right now.

I don’t know where my life will take me. I don’t know how many bad life choices I will continue to make, but I need to figure that out for myself.

One day I will love myself.

 

 

 

 

 

Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

Make time for yourself.

I think I wrote 4 or 5 blogs this month. I kept deleting them because my mind has been going non stop. I couldn’t complete a post because I couldn’t think it through. I didn’t realize that my main stuggle was right in front of my face.

I don’t make time for myself.

My life is worked around the schedule of my jobs, the schedule of my work outs, the schedule of my boyfriend’s schedule, the schedule of other people in general. Everything is about: what time I need to be somewhere, how long I have before I need to go somewhere else, or what I need to try to get done for the day. I am always running out of time. I am constantly in a rush and it does not stop.

I have a ton of goals. I have so much work to do in order to keep achieving each goal. I continue to make a choice to work 65-75 hours a week. I make that choice to fill all of my spare time (sometimes double booking myself) with my boyfriend, my family, or in a gym. Today it finally clicked: I need to calm down.

The last few weeks have been filled with anxiety for me. It cause my mood and motivation to change. I felt like I wanted to scream. My mind and body just wanted to shut down everyday.

I am sitting here on my couch, in pajamas, in silence, and it has been the most relaxing moment in my entire week. I have laundry to do, I have food to make, I have cleaning to do, I should have worked out..so on and so on. There are so many things I need to do and it never stops.

I think I have come to the conclusion that what I need to do above anything on that list is what I am doing right now. I need to let my mind and body take a break before heading back into the next crazy week. I need to be able to tell when I have had enough. I need to remember that no matter what is on that list, it will mean nothing if I am unhappy. No matter how crazy my life gets, I need to make time for myself.

 

Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

The Reality of Love

I have always wanted that “twilight, notebook, 50 shades” type of love. That passion, those butterflies, the happiness, the romance. It radiates off of the screen and you can feel it. You feel the tension before the kiss, you feel the sadness and pain when they break up, you feel the excitement and joy when they make up.The screen turns black and the lights turn on. Your fantasy is over and you return to the reality of what love really is.

Love is teamwork: Love is communication: Love is trust: Love is arguments: Love is jealousy: Love is anger.

Love is building a life together. You are supportive of each other. You do not knock each other, but build each other up. Love is building an empire from nothing and doing it as a team. You have the same goals, and you work towards them together. You encourage each other because it brings you joy to watch each other succeed.

Love is talking to each other and not talking at each other. Love is listening to the other person. You listen to their daily annoyances, their family drama, their work struggles, and all that other nonsense. You might not want to hear it, but you know your significant other needs to vent. Love is listening to why your partner is upset with you, and you making an attempt to see it through their eyes.

Love is trusting that you’re partner is doing the right thing when you aren’t looking. Love is not snooping through their phone or trying to catch them in a lie. Love is being able to go to sleep without heaitation knowing that you’re hunny will be out until 3 am.

Love is telling your partner that you are sick of telling them the same thing 100 F*cking times. That you hate how they leave their shoes in the doorway, how they make noodles, what kind of soap they buy. It is the smallest things that lead to that in public grocery store argument over what kind of ketchup to buy.

Love is wanting to punch that girl who just rubbed his arm and told him he’s cute. Love is knowing how incredible your significant other is, and knowing that other people want them too. Love is talking sh*t about that person who wants your babe,  just to make yourself feel better.

Love is so painful, so up and down, so strong. At times you get so angry with the other person. At times you think it shouldn’t have to be so hard. But you love them and it is supposed to be that hard.

It seems like cheating and divorce has become so easy and so acceptable. It is unfortunate that people are no longer willing to put in the time and effort to be together. People “fall in love” with one person to the next. That is not love. That is how convienient someone is for you at the time.

Love can have passion, butterflies, romance, and happiness, but that is not what keeps love going. Hard work is what keeps relationships going. Remembering why you love each other, how far you’ve come, how lost you’d be without them, that is how love stays alive. Love is the fight that you put into loving someone. Love is not a movie, that is not reality.

If you’re not willing to work at it, you’re with the wrong person.

Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

A Letter To My Father’s Donor

My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest when the doctor sat down and told my father he had 6 weeks left to live. As my sister sat there sobbing,  I turned my back and just kept telling myself to breathe. I gave my father a hug and I told him that there was still hope. He cried and just kept saying “What the F*ck did I do to myself?” I offered to donate a part of my liver. I would have done anything to keep him alive, but that wouldn’t be enough. The doctor told me he needed a complete donor liver. My father had been moved to the top of the list due to kidney and liver failure. There was no guarantee he would get a liver in time, but I refused to think in any negative way.

A couple of days later we received word that there was a liver. The fog was so bad that a helicopter was unable to deliver any organs and the doctor could not fly. The donor’s parents kept life support going just to hold their child’s liver for my father. A couple of days later, the liver and the doctor had arrived. My father called me at midnight to say he was going in for an 8 hour transplant. I didn’t sleep for a minute and waited for the doctor to call. At 9 am the phone rang. The doctor stated that my father gave him a run for his money, but he was stable now and doing well. I drove for 3 hours and as soon as i saw him open his eyes, I knew life would finally change.

To My Father’s Liver Donor,

My heart breaks for you and your family. You were kept alive for two days to save someone you didn’t even know. You didn’t just save a person. You saved a father, a grandfather, and you saved a family. The man you saved had demons that he didn’t have the strength to fight. Those demons caused him to lose a relationship with his children and his grandchildren. His demons ultimately lead him to the sentence “you have 6 weeks left to live.” This may sound horrible, but at that time, he had already been dead to us for years. We didn’t know who this man was. We mourned the loss of our father who was still alive, but YOU gave him back to us.

His recovery was a long and painful process. Three months of trying to walk, eat, taking medications, long trips every other week, the financial crisis, worrying about every lab number, and worrying about the future. He struggled and was negative. I was forced to watch him struggle and had to try to remain positive.

It is now 6 months later and tears are brought to my eyes from happiness. My father is healthy, he spends time with his children and his grandchildren, he laughs, he makes jokes, he is more positive than I can ever remember him being. You gave him a second chance to prove that he could be the man that I had missed for so long. You gave him back to his family. I never gave up hope, and now he does’nt either. You gave us a gift. You are his Angel. You are our Angel, and whoever you are, I love you.

Sincerely,

The Daughter of a Liver Recipient

 

Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.

Her Worst Kept Secret


Every girl struggles with body weight and body image. Too tall and skinny, too short and fat, too pear shaped, too much like a stick figure. The list can go on and on. Weight and body image is a never ending and popular topic. Your body image is a major influence on your self esteem and can ultimately control your entire life. Which is what has happened to me.

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Meghan Farr

Meghan has an Associates Degree in Human Services, Bachelor’s in Human Development and Family Studies, and a Minor in Psychology.